| "And there's no need to endure anymore." |
[Sep. 11th, 2006|05:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
Sometimes people lose track of what's important...sometimes people dont know what's important to begin with. I've been asking myself these questions lastly. I really dont know what's important...I thought i knew once but i've lost track. so..
I've been listening to the rent sound track over and over and over. I really think that I remember that thing about life that was so important that it gave a reason to live. It also gave reason to let go too.
I dont really expcet tmyself to be coherent on here, just so everyone knows.
Ok well iguess i'll put some goals down....
!. forgive people. It's really hard sometimes. especailly the people closest to you that hurt you the most often. "i believe that forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness." if i cant let things go i will never be happy.
2. Be honest, espcially with myself. Honesty can be really hard sometimes. I think that it's the most imprtant thing to do in life because it leads to much more improtant things.
3. Learn to love. "Begin to love, or live in fear." I really have been living in fear recently .I feel like i cant love anybody. I cant love ian because it's too hard to go back to a relationship that is already so congested, It's to hard to love new people because i feel like that love will hurt the other people I love. I do love but not completely. I have a horrible knack of falling in love to easy. I love infatuation and love and that stuff. It's the most exciting feeling ive ever felt in mylife but. It's not wrong to fall in love with so many people, it's a good thing, it's just hard to make everyone happy. Love is hard.
This love can include love for friends. I mostly talked about relationship love but I should learn to not be afraid to love my friends. It's hard to express love for a friend that's a boy because I'm afraid they will htink that i am coming on to them, also it's harder for men to express love for their friends because of the way they were taught to act. IE you get in trouble when you kiss your friend goodbye if you are a boy. (I cant speak for the girls but im almost positive that it's easier.)
Ok im exausted. I feel like ive accompilshed something. there maybe more goals. |
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| Phew! |
[Sep. 7th, 2006|05:15 pm] |
We got our groups today in compilers. THANK GOD. I got a good group. Sage and I are in the same group with 2 other people. The other two guys seem intune. I think that compilers is going to go really well. Now i just hope my expectations are fullfilled. PHEW. |
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| .....I saw death rising out of the earth... |
[Sep. 6th, 2006|09:44 pm] |
"Quoting repeatedly from Osama bin Laden, President Bush said Tuesday that pulling U.S. troops out of Iraq would fulfill the terrorist leader's wishes and propel him into a more powerful global threat in the mold of Adolf Hitler."(http://www.forbes.com/home/feeds/ap/2006/09/05/ap2994792.html)
I took the above quote from an article in google news. It's basically saying that bush believes that if we withdrawal from Iraq that we will allow another Hitler to be born. I am against war. Not just this war but most wars. I believe that wars are necessary sometimes but sometimes they are very monstrous. How much money goes into war? how much time? how much effort? and for what? justice? Justice is an ideogram, meaning it's definition is very different depending on the person you are talking to. What is justice? I suppose we get to decided as a country. Either way wars kill people.
WWII killed quiet a few people. ALOT of people actually. I got this graph from wikipedia. Since it's about WWII it's probably pretty accurate.
WWII deaths
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:WorldWarII-DeathsByAlliance-Piechart.png
It seems that not TOO many people died in WWII. 51 million people approximatly. Thats alot of people.
I was thinking about this today. I was thinking about war and death and all that pain. It's like humans are monsters, we are monsters. We kill each other. What other beings on earth kills us?
well, take a look at the following Link. That's just africa.
http://www.kwanzaakeepers.com/africa-aids-death-count/africa-aids-death-count.htm
Here's a list of other diseases that kill people.
http://www.cdc.gov/Ncidod/eid/vol11no04/04-1167-G2.htm
"HIV/AIDS has resulted in the death of >20 million persons throughout the world and is the leading cause of death among persons 15–59 years of age. Approximately 40 million persons are estimated to be living with HIV infection. In the United States, an estimated 1 million persons are infected with HIV, and 40,000 new infections occur each year. Since its recognition in 1981, the disease has killed more than half a million people in the United States."(http://www.cdc.gov/Ncidod/eid/vol11no04/04-1167.htm)
I guess I am just trying to shock you all with impressive numbers and knowlege. Thinking about disease. Think about AIDS. What's killing these people? Their promiscuity? Promiscuity is pretty natural, normal. We, human beings, are being attacked. This being is destorying all humans, with out prejudice. Children, gays, straights, men, and women are targets. It's a load of bull that this disease only attacks gays. This monster is much worse than a bullet though the head. Imagine living with AIDS? Imagine knowing you have a monster inside you that is killing you and will kill anybody you get close to. Imagine dieing...from something you cant see. imagin being killed by something you cant fight.
I really dont understand why the war in Iraq is such a big deal. I dont understand why any war, for that matter, that only involves a small portions of the earth, two or three countries, is that important. I understand that some wars are important but what about the war on AIDS? The war on cancer? what about the war on TB?
When I look at the news i never hear about these things. I only hear about peity human affiars. There are more vicious monsters on this planet that attack everybody and we just dont care. How much money gets poured into NUKES? how much money do we spend on building bullets? There is no bullet for AIDS or cancer. We haven't made one yet. It takes money. It takes time. It takes a war. I feel like we need to start fighting these wars. I feel like our tax dollars are going to waste. I feel ashamed.
PS:
Forgive any logical leaps or inconcistancies. This isnt a report for a class or anybody but myself for any matter. Just read it. |
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| Woohoo |
[Sep. 6th, 2006|01:11 am] |
I am typeing this message on my new laptop. I bought a new macbook like 2 weeks ago and it finally came in. I really like it. The keyboard is my favorite part. I don't know why.
I used to think macs were just there to temp people by looking pretty neat, but it turns out that they are actually pretty neat, for real! Everything just works. I plug in some usb mouse and it works. I download a program and it just runs, i don;t even have to restart. Macs are cool after all, maybe i was just jealous.
I've really got nothing to complain about this post, sorry. I got my first compilers assignment back and I am relieved because I did really well. I really have to thank Sage for all the help. Without his help I would have spend alot longer looking things up and making really stupid mistakes. So thanks a ton Sage. I'm excited about thrusday because we get our compilers groups. I really hope I dont get in a group with somebody who can't speak english. It's almost mean to say that cause it sounds like i hate foriegners but that's not true. I really like Myuri and Sze-wing and others. I just dont like working with somebody i can't communicate with. It's that simple.
oh, I found something to complain about! I hate technical writing. It's such a waste of time. I guess it's important but does it really need to be a whole course? It could easily be a mini-course or something. At least it's three credit hours. OH WELL.
OK well Macs are cool! |
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| Dread |
[Sep. 1st, 2006|04:43 pm] |
I cant help but feel a sense of dread. I was at work and it just came over me and I donw know why. I think I'm pissed off at alot of things in life so I guess it would help if I vent a little bit.
First of all to all those unhappy people out there. disease, cold, allergies, emo, pain for unexplained reasons....just all of those I am never happy types. FUCK OFF. People around you have the same issues every fucking day too, like it or not. and we all get over, it's your turn. just shut the fuck up and be fucking happy. It's not very hard and all you are really doing is bring the rest of the world down into the dirt. It's bullshit. I'm tired of it. I hate it. I hate hearing how much your life suck and then i turn around and tell me how i have no room to talk. I have had problems pains and that bullshit too....Im trying to be happy. you arnt. Plus when i suggest something or try to brighten the day...they'll have nothing of it. I hate you all. grow up.
phew. I feel better already. That was a steam of conciousness basicly. I didnt plan it out so if it doesnt makes sense when you read it or if it seems savage or unfair oh well. THank god for live journal.
besides dealling with crappy people, Im alright. Trying to play ffxi. slow to start off but i know it gets better, alot better. I kinda miss wow but it's too scary to try to play right now. My macbook that i order isnt coming for a while. something to complain about i guess. that's about it. my courses are fun, a little boring, kinda too easy i guess, except compilers, which is pretty fun so far, hard but fun. heh
oh well, life goes on |
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| Life's weird |
[Aug. 28th, 2006|12:00 am] |
I have really been questioning my sexuality lately. It's not that I don't like boys anymore, it's more like ive taken a little interest in girls. I don't think it would work out though. I guess I just want to say I had sex with a girl before I die. I guess now's as good of time as ever. MEH. too complicated. It's really weird. I dont know how many people get the feeling i feel right now. It's like the whole world is there and youcant have any of it. Not because it's out of reach but there are just so many lables and oblicagations. It's like legos that are already put together in akward arangements. YOu want the blue L but it's attacked to all this other stuff and at the same time you are expected to trade in your old peice or not add any new ones. I guess that's really convoluded. What i mean is, i feel like im resticked by lables and expectations. I feel like I cant do the things i might have liked to do, if the opportunity arised, because that would mean lose who I am now. /shrug. I guess that's not so bad at all. I just dont know. If a girl shows up and expresses some interest I wont say I'm not interested untill i know forsure that im now. althoug boobs are pretty weird.
Anyway. Enough of the hetrohomosexuality issues. I have other dilimeas too. Like, My laptop that I paid for last friday wont be coming in till september 6th! that's three weeks after order. I was reallyhoping to do most of my assignments on it. OH well. World of Warcraft is as boring as ever. Ian, Sage, and myself have been playing Dungeons and Dragons online. It's decent, but i dont think it's a real winner. Ian and I installed FFXI again today only to learn neither of us remember our IDs. It's really dumb cause they dont let you pick one they assign you one and it's a combination of letters and numbers. It's stupid. So if we want to play ffxi we have to start allover AND buy new copies of the game. booooo!
I think the reason I haven't been playing single player games recently is because I really really want to interact with other people. I wish that I could hang out with people more often than I do. I really like haveing friends that I can get out of the house and hang out with. It's boreing here, no offense ian.
I suppose i could go on for hours about how bored/confused/sad/distrested i feel but that would be pretty lame. On an up note. It's really easy for me to get drunk lately. Umm I dont have to worry about living expenses as much. I'm happy in my relationship status. I am confidant about school. and uh....live goes on... |
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| Feed the Addiction |
[Aug. 20th, 2006|08:25 pm] |
I haven't logged into wow for a couple weeks now and I'm bored out of my mind! so...i started playing DDO. It's pretty need looking, at least it looks like it would be neat. I just really wish more people I knew played the game. SO........Im trying to recruit people! yay. So, turns out nows a great time to try the game, they are having a 7 day free trial. /clap. So if any ofyou decide you want to play just send me an IM or whatever...
MSN: Raziellionheart@yahoo.com
AIM: raziellionheart
Yahoo: raziellionheart
On a side note. I went to the eye doctor in ABQ this past friday. First time in like 5 years or so. maybe only 4 but still along time. With my glasses on I have a 20/60 vision thingy. That's pretty bad. So i get to finally see again. The intersting news is I asked the eye doctor if she knew anything about lasik. turns out coleman vision is conducting a study on nearsighted, astimatismed, certain cornea sloped eyes! guess what! I am nearsighted w/ astigmatism and the slope of my cornea is pretty close to the specs. So I may end up getting free lasik eye surgery. All i have to do is sign a 2 year commitment to go back to the doctor every 3 months for 2 years to get evaluated to see how the surgery went. I'm a little scared but the way i look at is, is that i wanted lasik anyways and they probably would have done it so it's not like im in a new proceedure i just get it for free. Neato!
If that works out i'll be pretty happy. |
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| The perfect sky is torn |
[Aug. 17th, 2006|05:23 pm] |
I am so bored. I just want to have something fun to do. I havent been on WoW in a about a week and two days. I just dont have fun with it anymore. The only thing I can do it cook and eat food. I dont need to gain weight though. God save me. hehe.
I really want classes to start so I'll have something to do. The only thing is, is that there is a difference between having something to do and being too busy. School is too busy.
/sigh |
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| Brugundy or brown |
[Aug. 16th, 2006|01:24 pm] |
SO I bought some Burgundy hair today. I spent a good 15 minutes explaining to David and Ian how i thought red hair dye sucked. When I saw the hair color I thought it look cool but now im unsure. Dye or no dye? well I guess it's better to dye than to have never dyed at all. heh....that was stupid lol....god im bored.
Anyways I have come across a little extra money this coming semster. I'm not sure what I should spend my money on. (NO I WILL NEVER SAVE!!!!) I was thinking of getting Lasik. It's kind of expensive though. I wouldnt have much money left over. Id have enough to live but not to pay off my credit cards. I was also thinking of getting a Macbook. The macbook is cheaper so i could pay off one of my credit cards. Or i oculd get nothing but be out of debt. I fear that if i only paid off the cards id end up wanting something and use them to buy it, which kind of defeats the purpose. I'm really leaning towards the macbook and paying off debt. However, Ive wanted lasik forever! Lasik is probably the best thing I could buy for myself right now. I just dont want anymore debt. Not to mention it's a pain in the ass to get an evaluation because they only do it on tuesdays or thursdays....idiots. I have compilers class on those days. Maybe i should just save my money.....HA! el camino here i come.../sigh
just to clarify. I am not complaining what-so-ever. I am just expressing my anxiety over the choice. |
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| One Song Glory |
[Aug. 14th, 2006|04:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | One Song Glory - Rent soundtrack | ] |
Yes. I'm still on the Rent rant. I love the movie. I love musicals.
Anyways, life is going well right now. I made some new friends. I had alot of fun this weekend with them.
I dont post often so it feels like I should say some affirming or profound thing each post. I dont think I can do that today. It doesnt count as profound if I have think about it for a long time.
I really love the lyric for the song that matches the title of this post. "One song, Glory, One song before I go, Glory. One song to leave behind. Find one song. One last refrain. Glory, fromt he pretty front man who wasted opportunity." it just sounds really pretty to me. I dont know why. I wish that i could just break out in song and dance while eating food at a restuarnt or riding my bike to work. Life is way to dull! I need something exciting. I need friends.
This weekend I finally felt like I used to. I'm like ice. And then I remembered who I used to be. I remembered my old friends. I remember our fun and excitment and our laughs, crys. I remember my old life. It makes me remember who I am. It makes me feel good. I don't want to scare anyone or make it sound abnormal but when in a long term relationship, sometimes you give yourself up and then when things end it's hard to find the pieces. Some of the peices are really hard to find and sometimes the ones you find make no sense why they were there in the first place. I suppose all of life tears you apart but you are left with peices to put together. Maybe life is about picking up the peices and glueing yourself back together to that perfect coulage, happy or sad life. I guess ive forgotten to keep up with the work.
I really feel like quotes are a good way to pin down peices of myself. The one that I love the most is one from Final Fantasy 10.
"What I do, I do with no regrets." It's by Yuna. She is about to talk to Yunalesca and get the final Aeon that will kill her when she summons it. The reason she needs to summon it is to destroy a monster named Sin. He pretty much runs around and kills people, lots of people. I really like this quote because it reminds me of my pagan background and my optimistic attitude. Everything happens for a reason. Whether it's a good or bad reason or whether or not the reason existed before or after the act. Everything has a reason. I think that is why anything that I do or anything that happens to me is part of a journey to the end of my life. Everything that happens to me benifits me. I never want to lose this attitude. I cannot regret what I do otherwise I will never progress. Regret makes void our experiances. Although I do think that understanding you should make a different choice next time you get a similar opportunity is completely different than dwelling on the issue and dreading yourself.
This quote is a new quote but it means alot to me already.
"I saw Substance D growing. I saw death rising from the earth, from the ground itself, in one blue field, in stubbled color." - A Scanner Darkly. I saw this movie right after I got in a fight with Justin. Psuedo fight i should say. Yeah, I'm a sissy whimp :(. Anyways. The whole movie reminded me of my past. It reminded me of all the mistakes i watched my parents make. All the ones they are making. It reminds me of how I cant give up. For my sake, and theirs. For my faimly. I hate them most of the time, and they screw me over alot but I cannot lost faith and hope in love otherwise i'll be broken. This reminds me of all the pain that I've suffered because of drugs. It reminds me of my hate for them. I think that it's important to learn from other's mistakes. This quote sounds sad at first but i really take heart and hope that one day everything will work out and I need to help be a part of it. Also, somebody has to pick up the broken glass and stitch the seams of a broken home.
"An' ye harm none, do what ye will. Follow this with mind and heart. Merry yet meet and merry ye part." I think that it's very important to try to not hurt other people. One thing that I think is hard to realize is that hurting your self is just as bad. I really am not sure what this reminds me of. It just makes me feel good.
"I believe that forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness." I reall like to forgive people. I cant stay too mad at somebody for too long, unless they are constantly bugging me. Forgivness is really hard sometimes but I think that's because alot of the time we want to be mad. Being mad feels bad though. So, if you can learn to fogive, then you will probably be a happier person. Life is rough and you are going to get screwed over. Dont give up on humanity.
Anyways, this turned out pretty weird so I'm going. |
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| No day but today |
[Aug. 10th, 2006|12:10 pm] |
I saw Rent last night and I loved it. It reminded me of so many things. It mostly reminded me to appriciate life. Even if it's a sad day it's what I've got. I think that I've forgotten so much about myself in these past three years. I don't blame anybody. I really missed myself. I can't wait to learn more about who I am. I guess it just takes time to become myself again.
I found a new favorite quote. "There's only us. Only tonight. We must let go to know what's right. No other course. No other way. No day but today."
I feel like all I've been doing for the past few weeks is trying to figure out ways to please other people so that they will be my friends. I think I've been doing it all wrong. I have to let go. I have to be msyself. It's hard though.
When i was growing up I remember that I had to go to a special friendship class. I had a really hard time making friends as a kid because we moved so often. I think that i realize those faults I've had as a kid. They still worry me. I am not sure what's right in the world. I'm not sure who I am. I'm not sure what I want to be. But I have to figure those things out on my own. I cant look at the picture and figure out where I fit every time. I have to slam myself down on the table and if certain people dont like me then they can leave the picture. I guess.
I really want to start writing again. I love to write poems or stories or journals. :) I read some of my old stuff. I can't believe that I wrote those things in one sitting. |
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| Money sucks! |
[Jul. 24th, 2006|08:00 pm] |
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I dont know what else to say. I can't say I'm in a good mood today. I just feel like everyone in my life is taking from me. not that they just want to take from me. Hell, I'm sure they wish they could give me the world. But they cant. My dad a few weeks ago asked me to take out a 5 thousand dallor student loan so he could buy a 5th-wheel. I can't even take out that big of a loan to support myself. I feel way to bad to say no too. He should have never asked me in the first place. My mom is on drugs. The saddest thing i have ever seen in my entire life is people trying so hard to give you what they want to give you but they cant. My dad for christmas one year gave me a thimble. I almost cried because he had to search for it. I told him I didn't need anything for christmas and he said he knew that but he found it and he thought i would like it. My mom is the same way. They were both on drugs at the time. I could bawl my eyes out just thinking about those times. but now i find myself getting help from people, like my parents do. I hate to need help. Ian, my exboyfriend, still bought all the food im eating. I can't pay him back. I feel so guilty. What the fuck is wrong with the world? I mean, there is plenty of money and food to go around. There are countless ways to help people. Why is there so much pain? Why cant somebody just be kind? I really dont understand it, All the generous and careing people are poor people. you get a few rich ones. Middle class counts as poor. I hate the fucking planet sometimes, because no matter how much I try, it still feels like i cant even help myself. |
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| Day after |
[Jul. 19th, 2006|12:43 am] |
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I think I'm finally over this last weekend. I've realized something about life, or about myself that I've forgotten. Every day we make choices that affect us in small little ways. It's almost like a tree, a very complex one that we draw out as time goes on. Finally when you reach present you've actaully etched yourself out. It's almost like painting a picture of who you are with stone, blood, and joy. The only thing I regret is not know which choices were the ones that would lead me to a person I wanted to be. Then I realized, I'm not not even trying. Life is full of choices. There are fair choices.There are unfair choices. There are good paths, righteous paths, selfish paths, honest paths and hurtfull paths. Which ones have I taken? Which will I take? Who am I? I honestly don't know the anser to that these questions. I guess I'm still working on that sillouette. |
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| Demons |
[Jul. 16th, 2006|02:05 pm] |
When I was in high school I used to think that there was a demon inside of me. I used to have nightmeres on a frequent basis. Like I've been taken away to another world where the rules were all backwards. I remember wakeing up clawing the walls. I used to think that having the light on would drive them away. Only I could never find the light until a family member or friend woke me up. I remember talking to my grandma about my weird sleep patterns. She told me every now and then I would come out of the bedroom and I would talk to them. Only I wouldn't speak english. I have no idea if she was telling the truth or not cause I cant remember anything like that happening. One time, make that multiple times, I have had a dream where something, a rabbit or a goblin thing, would come in through my window and would grab ahold of my left arm. I have woken up beating my left arm to death. I had it penned on the ground once punching it because i thought it was something hurting me. I remember waking up from any of these dreams and nightmeres feeling the worst I've ever felt in my life. So scared I could not sleep anymore. I didnt want to sleep anymore.
That fear and anger all came back to me when I happened to get in a fight. I couldnt control myself. I just wanted to make everything bad go away. It felt like I was controled by something other than myself. I know now that all along it was me. There are no demons. Something is wrong with me. Either that or everyone feels the way I do, in which case there is no wonder the world is so torn.
I really just want to make things better, for everyone. I can't. It frustrates me. Why do people have to put themselves through so much pain? Why cant everyone just forget? Or at least take something from what they are feeling that is positive? There must be a little good in everything we do. There must be. If not only for bettering our selve, others, or the world. One of the most evil things in history, the holocost. Hitler did somehorrible things to some people. It is very hard to say anything good really came out of this. Except it there was some good. The whole world now knows that a person can do. How horrible evils there are in the world. It opened our eyes. Hitler may have done humanity a justice. The only down side is all the innocent people who died. Does Hitler's justice out way his injustice. By no means is what Hitler did justified. But it's not all bad. That's my approach to life. Let's all llook for the good. At least each day we live there is soemthing good to savor. something worth living for. |
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| Another day |
[Jul. 11th, 2006|10:11 pm] |
Today wasn't as good as yesterday. I feel pretty tried. Mostly seeing him mope around is depressing me. What the hell am I supposed to do? I guess it's none of my business now what he does, or how he feels. Even so if I saw any of my other friends being all sad I'd try to cheer them up. I wish I could do something. I feel like I have so much more to look forward to now. Is that weird? I think somepeople, most people, feel like they have nothing to look forward to after a break up. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm trying too hard to be happy about this. Is there a such thing as trying to hard to be happy? I don't think so.
Maybe I should move out. Maybe not seeing me would help him feel happier. Maybe not. I feel so confused. What's right anymore? The world is so open and free but it's like an overgrown garden. Full of weeds and spikes and bugs and snake....Flowers, fruit...I dont know what to think about it. I guess I should really ask myself what do I want out of life? Who do I want to be? I guess I should start there. This part could be really fun, or it could be really devistateing. I'm not redefining myself. I'm unbarying myself, I guess. I hope I do a good job. I want to be happy again. For myself happy. A happy that lasts. Not horrible mood swings and deadend hopes. Is there a such thing? I hope so. |
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| Today is the first day of the rest of my life |
[Jul. 10th, 2006|04:41 pm] |
First of all I'd like to apologize to all the people I've wronged recently, or ever. There is a song called Affirmation by Savage Garden and they say in the song "I think forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness." I suppose I'm apologizing because I want to be forgiven, by myself for acting the ways I have. And secondly, what would a journal be with out juicy details of my life? I just got a job! I work at the post office. I had a lot of fun my first day, I didn't know it but Michael was there the same time I was. He had just start. Too bad he's being moved to mornings only. It's always fun to work with a friend. Anyways, I finally got a job at a place that appreciates work study! I started at $7.00 an hour! Go me! I'm excited because it's an easy job that needs to be done each day in the afternoons and it keeps you busy. It's not like transplanting plants or folding brochures. I actually get to walk around.
I have this big paper coming up for my philosophy of language class. I'm nervous because I need to get a good grade in that class. So I need to start on that paper soon. I also need to start on another paper that is due wednesday. /sigh.
Ok. Ok. I said I was going to be optimistic.
I just broke up with my boyfriend. I feel a little sad because I actually thought it would have worked out to one of those forever relationships. How many people don't think that about their relationships? I really really hope he forgives me for taking this step in my life. I want him to know I still care. I want him to know that I will try to be there for him. I really don't want to end the relationship, I just want to break these bindings, I guess. I hope we can be good friends. I even hope we live in the same town when we graduate! I feel pretty silly thinking these things. I do love the guy but I don't think we are meant to be much more than friends. I really hope things work out for the best. I think they will.
Here's to the future. Here's to now. Please enjoy it while you can. |
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